The Threads That Bind Us

When I went to the Deepak Chopra event in Penticton in the fall, I was struck by this story, and it really stuck with me:

He said that one of the things that he is involved with is a project called "Sages and Scientists," where philosophers, spiritualists and religious leaders get together with scientists of a variety of disciplines and discuss life, the universe and everything. He said that when the Dalai Lama came to visit, they were delighted to tell him that they had discovered the secrets of what causes stress. The Dalai Lama then pointed out that everyone dwells on the negative all the time, and that it would be of much greater value in the world if they were to discover the secrets of what causes happiness.

Well, they took this under advisement, and the next time they encountered the Dalai Lama, they told him that they had found it.

"Oh, really?" said His Holiness with a raised eyebrow.

So what they said was that happiness can be directly corrolated to a formula, which was invented by a man named Martin Seligman. And the formula is this:

(S)et point + (C)onditions of living + (V)oluntary choices = (H)appiness

Seems pretty straightforward, doesn't it? But what is most interesting is the percentages that each one of these factors occupies.

Your Set Point (S) represents the perspective that you begin with. In simplest terms, are you an optimist or a pessimist? Is the glass half full, or half empty? Or as Deepak Chopra puts it, "do you see problems, or do you see opportunities?" We learn this perspective from our upbringing. If our parents are negative people, always looking on the bad side, always talking about the worst case scenario, expecting ill fortune and getting it, then so do we. Our Set Point makes up 50% of our Happiness (S=50%).

This sounds like bad news! Are we doomed to always be negative if our parents are negative people? The answer is NO. There are two ways in which you can actively change your Set Point.

The first is Cognitive Therapy. Change your thoughts, change your expectations and your actions and emotions will follow. People who have been in Anger Management classes or therapy for Addictions or Neuroses know all about this, but it is easy enough to do it on our own. Every time you think something negative, examine that belief and ask yourself why it is that you have it! For instance, you may have picked up the belief somewhere that people who are wealthy are jerks. This could be blocking you from prosperity, because on some level, you don't want to be a jerk! Why would you have this belief? For me, it was a belief that my parents passed on to me. It, of course, does not necessarily hold true. Another thing you can do is practice the art of affirmation. You need to understand that your subconscious does not understand negatives or sarcasm. So if your friend repeatedly tells you, "You're such a dumb blonde!" for example, even if you know they are joking, it will begin to have an effect on you and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say, "I am not stupid," then your brain will not hear the "not". Say instead, "I am smart!" It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy too.

I know this is possible because I learned to be very negative from my parents growing up; but I like to joke that I spent my twenties getting my mom's voice out of my head telling me why everything wouldn't work. And in my thirties, I have been gradually more and more successful at everything I do.

The second method is Meditation. Changing your consciousness levels, and learning to relax your mind, rewires your brain to feel less stress and to think more positive thoughts. It improves your ability to produce beta brain waves overall, and people who produce more beta waves are not only "smarter" than others, they think more positive thoughts too.

Now, as you might expect, your Conditions of Living (C) also affect your overall Happiness. Whether you are wealthy or poor, what kind of condition your health is in, whether or not you suffer from pain, whether or not you are in a good marriage or an unhappy one, and whether or not you hate your job or have one, all do have an influence. What will surprise you is the percentage. Only 10% of your total Happiness is at all affected by these things! (C=10%)

It amazes us in the Western World that we can look at films of children in Third World slums and wonder how they can laugh and play and enjoy themselves, even with swollen bellies from malnutrition, playing in mud and sewage. Or to put it another way, people are often amazed at the fact that Erin can joke and laugh and smile when he has so many challenges facing him. Well, Conditions of Living only make up 10% of your Happiness. So change them if you can, but it really isn't that important. (This has another side to it too: those of you who think your life will instantly be perfect if you win the lottery - hah! think again! Money will not guarentee your Happiness; only YOU can do that!)

The remaining percentage, fully 40% of your Happiness, is a result of your Voluntary Choices (V=40%). So, aside from your innate perspective, the greatest bulk of your Happiness depends upon what it is that you do. What's interesting is that this works sort of like eating! You can choose to do things to make yourself happy; Retail Therapy, eating chocolate, taking a hot bath, or other simple, selfish pleasures, and they will make you happy for a while - like eating a chocolate bar will fill the hunger gap for a while. Or, you can choose to do things that either make other people happy, or that have long-reaching effects in which you are making a difference in the world, like become a parent, working for a cause you believe in, exercising your creativity, doing important scientific work, being a listening ear when your friend is going through a tough time, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or counselling, and these things will make you happy for much longer periods - like sitting down to a nutritious meal will ease hunger for several hours, if not all day.

So if you are in a job in which you feel curtailed or unfulfilled, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a job in which you feel that what you do matters, whether that is being a stay-at-home-mom or working on the Nobel Prize. And instead of seeing problems that stop you from pursuing these dreams, see challenges that you must rise to face with courage!

Also, practice compassion whenever possible. Love others, even when they hurt you, and try to practice acceptance and understanding. Just remember that loving them can sometimes mean tough love, and so you need to set boundaries and not be an enabler for negative behaviour. On the other hand, hating others, and holding grudges, teaches them nothing and just brings you harm. Learn to let things go and practice forgiveness.

What can we learn from all this? It really is very simple: Happiness is a choice. "Your living is determined by not so much what life brings you as by the attitude that you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." (Lewis L. Dunnington). Or, as the Dalai Lama says, "What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful."

Come and join The Medium, the Witch & the Shaman for our workshop on March 19, 10 am to 1 pm, "The Keys to Happiness" to learn more!

Blessed be,

Video from Deepak Chopra's video blog at YouTube: